I have wanted to write a blog about to-do lists for a long time. I continuously have many negative feelings about them, but for some reason I have hesitated to write about them. I have wondered if my hesitation was because so many people love their to-do lists, and I never wanted to write something that would potentially disrupt a system that so many people covet. Recently, my feelings about to-do lists have become increasingly intense and have prompted me to ask myself some important questions: Why do so many people say they need these lists? What exactly do I not like about them, especially considering that I write lists for myself all the time. Why are so many people stressed about what they have to do?
Then, coincidently, I began to read the popular book “Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto” by Tricia Hersey. The book is exquisitely written and the message, in my opinion, extremely essential for well-being. It was when I read page 116, the page in which Hersey wrote out the schedule she kept earlier in her life, that something hit me. I started to remember a conversation I had with my daughter when she was in high school.
My daughter was asked to write this same sort of list. I believe it was part of the high school's wellness initiative. They were trying to help the students feel less anxious and find direction. I remember she came home incensed about this assignment, “They want us to fill in every hour of the day with an activity,” she expressed to me. I found myself shocked. How was this the pathway towards wellness? How are these students supposed to function when there is no time for introspection, for expression and as Hersey writes, for rest.
I believe the to-do list is just one small step removed from this overly scheduled view of time; in fact they are part of the same system. The system says: schedule every hour of your day, write a to-do list to remind yourself of all the things you are “supposed to do” to achieve your schedule, and do all of these things perfectly. This is called success and success will lead to wellness.
This is a dangerous message that keeps young people constantly striving for a “goal” that is not even their own,without any room to question these “goals”, explore other ideas, reflect on feelings, connect with others in an authentic way, or just pause and feel uncertain. The message, that these to-do lists are what will keep you on the correct path, is causing so many young people to suffer.
For many young people, their lists start to feel like an oppressive, punitive force wielding power like a punishing parent. When they do not complete these lists, people often begin to feel as if they have failed. As their lists get longer and longer the oppression increases, which can lead to the body initiating its own survival responses.
I often see clients who say to me that they are lazy, procrastinate, and lack motivation, but in fact none of these things are usually true. Procrastination, lack of motivation, and laziness are usually just the freeze response. Their to-do lists are telling them to put on the accelerator and the way these lists are making them feel is causing them to put on the brake. Accelerating and braking at the same time prevents the car from moving forward. The body's wheels are spinning in place. The body is demanding that you stop.
What would happen if we listened, stopped, and changed the premise. Instead of scheduling every hour of your day, you actually were given guidance, support, and mentorship on how to “schedule” your day in a way that included play, introspection, body work, community, rest, and relationships. The lists that are born from this premise, I like to call Daily Desires. This includes what one desires to do that day, desires to remember, or desires to prioritize. These lists no longer are representative of the punishing parent speaking to you from outside of yourself and demanding that you do what is expected, but rather your internal thoughts, feelings and sensations; your internal voice. You.
Maybe this new kind of list will be helpful and not harmful. When you do not complete the items on this list, you can ask yourself if your desires have changed. If they have you can write a new list, or move the daily desires from one day to the next day. This list has the potential to aid in wellness, increasing self awareness and decreasing fear.
Maybe disrupting the system that so many people covet is actually important…I know it was definitely one of my daily desires today.