Boundaries are on my mind right now. I am not sure if it is because there are currently many of us living, working, and going to school in a 2 bedroom condo or if it is because many of my clients are at home juggling work, virtual school, relationships, parenting, and self care, but nonetheless they are on my mind.
Relational Boundaries
I often hear boundaries described as a way of creating separation, a way of dividing. Sometimes they are defined as a way of detaching in order to create space for your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. In doing a quick Google search on boundary setting I ran across descriptions of boundaries as creating a shield, a private place, or a separation. I am referring to these types of boundaries as hard boundaries. Sometimes it is extremely important for one’s safety and security to set boundaries in this manner. Setting hard boundaries in situations that are not healthy, where there has been control, criticism, or abuse, or when engaged with a person who is unable to listen is often essential and every person has a right to set hard boundaries without judgment or shame. In fact everyone should be taught how to protect and advocate for themselves in this manner. What I think is important to explore is that this is not the only type of boundary setting and when hard boundaries are applied in a relationship that has reciprocal communication and listening, the result may be separation when the intention of the boundary setting was an attempt at connection.
Relational boundaries, in contrast to hard boundaries, are a way to stand with another person with empathy, kindness, and regard; to state your needs; to trust that the person will hear them, and in the same breath inquire about the needs of the other person. Boundaries framed in this manner help people feel secure and protected, and, as a result, allow people to be vulnerable and to trust; they allow for greater intimacy, not greater division.
It is also important to note that if one is in a close relationship with someone and does not feel comfortable setting relational boundaries, it could mean that they are in a relationship with someone who struggles to understand reciprocity. Instead of viewing this as a personal failure, the reaction could provide invaluable insight into the capacity of the other person to see and meet one’s needs.
Children and Boundaries
When our children are acting out, at any age, it often means they are trying to express their boundaries. Parents sometimes become so concerned that their childrens’ behavior is not appropriate that they set hard boundaries as an attempt to get the behavior to stop. As a result children can feel overpowered or shameful about their actions; they can feel pushed away or excluded from their parents’ world. Children sometimes begin to internalize that they cannot set boundaries, that they are voiceless and without agency.
Often what children need to know is that their parents will set relational boundaries with them, that their parents are standing with them in empathy and regard, willing to listen to their needs and desires, validate their thoughts and feelings, and communicate expectations in a regulated manner. Setting relational boundaries opens the door for the development of greater security, intimacy, and empathy.
"I-Thou" Relationship
Martin Buber, one of the great existential philosophers of our time, teaches about the relational view of the person. “Buber stressed the relational potential of persons in his articulation of the I-Thou (or I-You) relationship; he contrasted this with the more utilitarian I-It relationship in which ego and self-interest dominate” (Fishbane, 1998).
It is this relational idea that can give permission to both partners to begin to communicate, to begin to have voice. It allows for the idea of having needs and for these needs to be heard and met. It is in this space, this “between,” where relational boundaries can be set. Buber writes:
“‘The I of the basic word I-You is different from that of the basic word I-It. The I of the basic word I-It appears as an ego...The I of the basic word I-You appears as a person...Egos appear by setting themselves apart from other egos. Persons appear by entering into relation to other persons.’” (Fishbane, 1998)
I wonder what our world would be like if we set boundaries with our children and our partners as “persons” relating to “persons,” and left behind the archaic concept of boundaries only being about “setting themselves apart.”